adhd,  anxiety,  mental health,  oracle & tarot,  runes,  wicca,  writing

Disappointment begets inertia

Have you ever felt like your tools outright hate you? I don’t mean your electric drill suddenly turning on you, à la Skynet. I’m talking about things being generally uncooperative. You know, the spoon that spills and splashes, the key that refuses to fit in the lock, the gawdamn USB that won’t go in the slot. Or, specifically in today’s case, the divination tools that won’t cooperate.
There are certainly days I feel under attack my physics in general, and there are days when it seems metaphysics is out to get me. It’s hard when a tarot deck that has taken a disliking to you keeps turning up cards the divination equivalent of a middle finger. I don’t know why I persist with this deck. Anyone want a slightly used Rider deck?

I approached today’s reading with Mercury newly retrograde in mind, anticipating challenging interpretations and misinterpretations.
The runes, however, just told it like it is, bringing my situation into focus for better or worse. Though it certainly felt for the worse, today.
FEHU (reversed) in the recent past position signifies disappointment, RAIDHO (reversed) in the current position signifies that the disappointment has stymied or stalled my forward progress, and ANSUZ in the solution/future position signifies careful thought and seeking advice.
Given I was asking for insight into my writing project dilemma, the runes pretty much nailed it.
I recently let people know that I’ve started adding content – my writing – to the website and that memberships with subscriptions will be available very soon. I’d had friends telling me for years that they’d like to read my work, and many friends declaring they’d be very interested in subscribing to get access. But each time I’ve updated about this project I’ve heard only crickets. That disappointment earlier this week has meant that I’ve not touched the website or the writing since. And the runes weren’t pulling any punches about reminding me.
The suggestion to seek advice is difficult to swallow, though. I don’t want to bring up my disappointment with anyone in particular; I don’t want anyone to feel like they, specifically, disappointed me. I’m also not sure how to address it without coming across as passive aggressive.
(I know I’m addressing it here, obviously, but these entries don’t usually get read.)
It does seem a common occurrence, though. Online, people tend to be enthusiastically supportive until/unless something is directly asked of them. I’m sure I came across some research into this back when I was teaching Internet Studies.
So, after being demoralised by the reading of the runes I pulled Divine Timing from the Shamanic Healing oracle deck. I’m not sure if it was advising me of what to do or telling me what I am already doing, I didn’t think to pull a clarifying card. But, essentially, Divine (I keep typing ‘diving’!) Timing is a ‘wait and see’ card, let things unfold. I’d like to believe it’s telling me to keep going and things will happen in time, but it could also be telling me to sit on my hands until the right time to pick up where I left off.
I then turned to the deck that hates me. Seriously, I should give them a thorough cleansing and tuck them under my pillow for the next week. If they continue to be difficult I’ll set them aside. My Thoth deck is sassy, but the cards don’t refuse to shuffle and fly all over the place.
I pulled the Knight of Swords (reversed). In the context of my query about my writing project, the card was, as I said earlier, a middle finger/fuck you. Reversed, the Knight of Swords points to a lack of skill to achieve goals. Basically, the deck was telling me/reminding me that I suck. It’s possible it was pointing out a lack of drive or focus?
I pulled a second card hoping for some clarification (because, sure, put some salt in that wound) and I drew The Priestess. In combination with the reversed Knight of Swords, I could assume the deck is saying ‘you suck but keep trying’, but The Priestess could also be another hint to look to someone for wisdom if I don’t have any for myself. It could also, pedantically, be suggesting I keep my own counsel.
I’m definitely going to cleanse this deck tonight. I don’t know that it’s possessed, per se, but I don’t think even Mercury in retrograde can entirely account for this deck’s animosity.
Then it was Thoth, and I pulled the Queen of Wands, which seems a good support for The Priestess in signifying the steady application of force and persistence. It was ‘the keep on trying’ card.
So, I’m not entirely sure what to do. My options are to let it stew and hope for a better time when there’s more interest, continue and also hope there’ll be interest eventually, and/or find someone I trust to discuss the situation and how I feel about it in a way that hopefully won’t come across as whingy/whiney/passive-aggressive.
I may need to pull another card.

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