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Watering indoor plants

Alas, my poor peperomia, you were watered to death.

I’m a little embarrassed by how long it’s taken me to figure this out, and I’m not at all convinced that I DO have it figured out. I think the two questions all new plant keepers want answered are when to water, and how much?

I’m pretty sure all of us go through a phase of being either a neurotic over-waterer or a negligent under-waterer. That magical Goldilocks zone is reserved for long-time plant keepers – you know, the ones who’ve given their plants names and sing to them on weekends.

Unfortunately, I’m of the neurotic over-watering variety, much to my poor peperomia’s constant distress.

I really believed that keeping plants was like keeping pets, feed/water them on a schedule, give them some light, sit back and enjoy.

But no, it turns out different plants like different degrees of light, some prefer it warm, some prefer it cool, others need humidity. Some don’t mind hanging, others shit themselves, shrivel up and promptly die from agoraphobia or some shit.

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Fucking Fungus Gnats

Much as I love keeping indoor plants, and as much as I still need to learn about keeping them alive and thriving – seriously, I had no idea it would be more complicated than watering every so often – my greatest challenge so far has been fucking fungus gnats! Clouds of them have prowled my house like a street gang from the 80s, searching for an unsuspecting and vulnerable plant to demolish.

What are fucking fungus gnats?

If you know what these fuckers are, then you probably hate them as much as I do. If you don’t know what these fuckers are, then prepare yourself to hate them as much as I do.

Fucking fungus gnats (FFGs) are little flies that resemble fruit flies or mosquitos and have the same preternatural knack for vanishing as soon as you try to swat them out of the air.

Some meme I saw on Facebook, original source unknown.

They plant their evil, sap-sucking babies in the soil around plant roots and as they hatch from their rotten eggs and squirm about in the dirt, they latch onto those delicate roots and suck the life out of your precious plants.

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